I want to be a writer and…?
Hi, I need critics!
Im fourteen and want to be a writer when I'm older, so can you tell me what you think of these? p.s. You dont have to read them all, just comment on one or two!!
A full moon.
Inky black sea of nothing, a carpet of icebergs floating lazily across its faraway surface, coldly never-ending, bitterly unstoppable.
The only source of light the suspended orb, hanging immeasurably, watching with silently cold detachment as it spreads its wintry light to the ridges of the frosty islands; the faraway horizons a muddy brown of synthetic accusations. It drowns beneath the ice, black water choking it, suffocating it till it breaks through, clawing its way with immovable streghth.
Silence. The sun rises, the shadows lengthening, the dew glittering.
Silence. The trees rustle, the sun sending cool shadows slinking away.
But the scene is not alone. The park bench stands in calm pride; a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, composed and impartial. The glittering sun catches the ancient woodwork of the benches, the knots and ridges familiar.
People come by, breaking the stillness. They sit- not for the first time, in the warm embrace of the bench, each edge a stream of memories: of grief, happiness and loss. Old, wrinkled eyes focus on the past, a smile playing they’re lips. A young mother bites a lip, rocking a baby whilst running a finger down the wood. A married couple smile with memories.
The bench stays, unchanging and ageless, the world rolling past with a soothing rhythm.
The rain glanced off of my face, pulling my hair into gentle tangles that curled at the base of my neck. I felt a hot, damp hand grasp mine, folding it into a warm envelope. I leaned my face against his shoulder studded with raindrops, breathing in the dusty sharp scent of rain. The grey concrete floor shone with shiny rain, reflecting the leaden sky, dreary buildings, sullen faces. The only spot of colour in a washed out world was the pale yellow umbrella that domed above my head. Mist rolled in from the horizon, swirling around us like silent ghosts.
Posted in knotted rugs
content rss
November 22nd, 2009 at 2:57 am
I especially like the second and third ones. May I ask if they are story beginnings? They’re really good starts if they are! Keep writing! Also a good site to get reviews on your writing is writerscafe.org. I’m *scarlett o’hara* just so you know! Hope I helped!
November 22nd, 2009 at 2:57 am
I don’t really like "Full Moon."
The same goes for "Silence" it’s contradictory.
November 22nd, 2009 at 2:57 am
they are good but most people wont like that -What happens during a second- wiritng stile even if its very descriptive. Many people dont enjoy Tolkien because they say he was too descriptive but i find it good. not critics. At 14 thats impressive. Keep it up!
November 22nd, 2009 at 2:57 am
WOW. That’s good. But it doesn’t really get to the point.
Here’s a critique from a fellow young writer: (I’m 13) Make sure you don’t put too many details. This generation has a short attention span, and that would make them fall asleep. It’s good though, but like I said, it doesn’t get to a point.
November 22nd, 2009 at 2:57 am
Wow! These are really fantastic. The only thing that stood out to me was ’shone with shiny rain’ which I personally think is a bit repetitive. Maybe, ‘ The grey concrete floor shone, reflecting the leaden sky.. ‘ My only tip is keep reading and keep writing, you are amazing!
November 22nd, 2009 at 2:57 am
You’re pretty young so it’s ok… don’t worry TOO much about these things, but definitely get on fixing them.
There’s way too many adjectives in the first paragraph. Way too many. I counted roughly 16. In a paragraph of that legth, there should only be about 2, or 3. Show don’t tell.
it’s the same with the others… too many adjectives. Otherwise, I like your tone and such.
For ex. instead of writing ‘the park bench stands in calm pride’ think about what makes it stand in calm pride. What is calm pride?
How can a park bench be proud?? Is it because it’s really old and rusty but still standing?? etc.